Mind Hole

Where I Have Been

 The past two years have given people so much time to sit there and think. Think about things they have done. Things they could be doing. Reflecting on past actions. Some of us can harness these thoughts and better ourselves. Others withdraw further into their mind hole (lol mind hole) I Feel like a Mental Hermit. I want to go out, hang out with friends, see new things, and do new things, but I also feel overwhelmingly tired and find myself making excuses to avoid doing these things. Am I alone in this? Sometimes I feel like the only asshat having these thoughts, but Just on the off chance others feel like this I will post my thoughts on the past few years. Maybe we can be friends and chat? Help each other through this mental isolation. If you don't feel like this and I am alone... Well then enjoy the descent into madness.

Brief History Before the Mind Hole

(Yes I'm going to keep saying Mind Hole. My Humor has not matured)

As some of you know, I use to make videos on YouTube. No, I am not some huge star (and most likely never will be) But the platform gave me a place to make new friends. Being an Adult makes it insanely hard to make friends unless you are part of some group already. (Work, Church, Book Club, etc...) Those who have been a part of the channel and become my friends over the years have noticed that the "content" has slowed down tremendously! The only reason I mention this is because I met a wonderful man called Mr Fish because of my channel. To Save you from watching the videos (and save me the embarrassment) The only thing you need to note is...

Immigration Sucks

After years of a Long Distance Relationship and three trips to the USA, Fish and I decided we couldn't live without each other anymore. There are only so many times you can watch the person love get on a plane and never know when you will see them again. (Hats off to you Military Spouses out there! I am not strong enough to live in your shoes)

On Fish's last visit here in 2017, We visited a lawyer and found out we had options. The Problem is Lawyers, immigration, and the Current Administration made things a bit difficult. We were two broke adults with a dream and nothing more. So what do you do in that situation? You Go into work mode! I picked up as many hours as I could at work to pay bills, while Fish focused on paperwork and getting everything together for the Lawyers. The problem with the paperwork is that it would change its wording every few months. (at least it felt like it) So poor Fish would finish this huge stack of paperwork, turn it into the lawyer, and get a call a few months later that he needed to do it again. Each time this would cost more than we had for printing and whatnot. (This could just be the lawyer we used. I have no idea, but it was not a fun time) A long story short Fish and I are happily Married and Living in the USA for the past 4 years. If you guys wanna hear more details about this lemme know. I'm sure that would be a post all on its own. Sadly, by the time everything was done and settled it was nearly impossible to get together to make things with our friends. Why?

Our Friends Got Jobs

While Fish and I were trying to get our life together, our friends were doing the same thing. Rob got a night job at a well-known retailer. Wolf and Scarecrow moved in together (just friends!) and got jobs. Theun moved in with Fish and Me in April 2019. He and Fish worked at a bank together for a bit and now he is working at yet another retail store. I know all this is vague, but ill chat with the guys and maybe get the story from their side. I just didn't want to give out information without their permission. It's awesome we all started getting our lives on track! The problem was our schedules were way different. Trying to meet up for a game of Cards Against Humanity or Gmod was out of the question. The rare times we could get together, we were so tired and low energy. While we were trying to figure out a schedule that worked for everyone, Fish got sick. Like really really sick. So much so that we had to fly to the UK to have tests done. (Weird fact. It was cheaper to fly people to the UK and stay for a few weeks than it is to just have the tests done here in the USA. Sad but true!) Luckily it was not as Fish and I thought. He has an Illness but it's not cancer! HUZZAH! We landed back in the USA, got home, and got ready to get things back on track.  And then it happened...

The Pandemic

Yup! We all know the last 2 years have sucked. It Sucked for me, for you, everyone! We all have a story about what we have been doing (versus what we will tell future generations we did lol) Here is ours.

Due to Fish's illness and having to take emergency sick leave to get tests done, His work looked for a reason to let him go. This started a panic in our household. We needed Jobs... ASAP. We had bills to pay and no money to our name. We did chores for family, postmates, and anything to make a dollar. Yes, there were options out there to help folks who couldn't work during the pandemic, but because Fish is technically a Legal Immigrant we were not allowed to get government aid. Luckily with the help of family and friends, we were able to stay on our feet. Yes, this meant we had to live on a very limited budget, but we made it work until we were able to manage on our own again. Fish got a new job he liked, We moved into a new place we loved, made plans to start the channel back up, try and hang out with friends, all those fun things. That's when it was my turn to have health issues.

Surgery

I wish I could say my first surgery was for something cool. Oh, how I wish it was for a butt implant, boob job, or fixing my leg after a gnarly crash on a skateboard. Nope... I had major Dental surgery. For those who live in the states, you know medical things cost an arm and a leg. For those outside the country who think it's just a funny topic for a meme (those are funny memes ngl), it's a real problem. Fish is absolutely disgusted by it and I never thought about it because I grew up here. If you are sick go to the hospital. That makes a lot of sense to someone who doesn't have to worry if you will be paying off this hospital visit for a sniffle for the next few years or not. So a bulk of Americans will just walk it off so to speak. If I ignore this pain for a few days it will go away. No worries. I am fine.

I did this for a very very long time. I have never had good teeth. From a young age, I have done really dumb shit to my mouth. (Giggity) Even when my grandmother had finally talked me into seeing a dentist I was thinking It's bad, but it's not that bad. I am happy and lucky I went when I did. This was one of my "good days". The pain was barely noticeable and I was ok. Nope... I had a major infection in my face... If I didn't have surgery and taken care of this I would have died from it. Needless to say, that scared me. So I did what any good American girl would do. I cried and freaked out about it. Through the help of my family yet again, I was able to get the surgery done. The problem is It took a year to heal. During this year I became more isolated. My face was swollen. I was having to relearn how to talk and eat. I felt ugly. I hated myself and was afraid I would never get back to normal. I was so ashamed of how I felt and look that I didn't go out for much. I am also super lucky to have Fish by my side. There was never a moment he made me feel ashamed of what I was going through. Even with a swollen chipmunk face, he would tell me I'm Beautiful. I love this man to no end. It's been 14 months since I had surgery, and thanks to Liam and my family's support I can proudly say I think I am getting there. I am actually smiling again.

What Now?

I finally feel the same way I felt right before the pandemic. I want to get a move on and do things. I want to hang out with my friends again. Play some games, share some giggles, and find a reason to smile. I want to make things! During the last two years, I have been painting, sculpting, and crafting my heart out. They may not be the prettiest things in the world, but I am proud of them. I have made two coloring books. One for my friends in discord using the odd sayings we gathered over the years. I think this was my silly way to still do something with my friends, and you know what? It worked! It felt so good to make something for them that I made another one for my Aunt. She is a nurse and probably has way more horror stories from the past two years. I wanted to make her something she could relax with. Drawing silly things to bring a smile to my friends' and families' face have been my driving force. I honestly need to do it more.

The first step is to get my thoughts and ideas out to you guys. I know you have always been there for me. You have no idea how much chatting on discord has helped me not go full hermit mode. I feel the least I can do is make some kind of content to make you guys smile <3 So I have started a blog as you can see. My goal is to have a new post for you every Friday at the very least. What will I blog about? That I am not too sure about yet. Could be what's going on in my life, Weird Paintings or crafts I have made that week, Ideas for Podcasts if I am able to gather the gang back together or video ideas? I wanna be honest with you. I'm not sure yet, but I'm trying to figure it out. I just want out of this Mind Hole.

As for YouTube and Twitch, I don't know if I can stream or Make videos like I used to. The main problem is I have no one to play with. When you have a group channel focused on videos of friends playing games together it's hard to think up how to make that content by yourself. Filling dead air by talking to yourself is a skill I haven't mastered yet. I have been experimenting with different types of videos I can make on my own, But it just doesn't feel the same. So I am just going to do what I always do. Force myself until I get better at it! This will take time though. I hope you don't mind.

I know I can get out of this funk with time. I always do. I am just not sure how long it will take. If you want to help then hold me accountable! Join Discord or tweet at me on Twitter (if it's not dead yet lol) If you don't see a new post by Friday, Yell at me! Be my accountabilibuddy. I will love you for it! If you see something interesting and want me to talk about it, send it to me. Got Questions? I will answer them. Honestly, I am just winging it so anything is helpful.

If you are stuck in a mind hole like me, join me. Force yourself to create something. You don't have to be an artist, a writer, a content creator, etc. I'm none of those things myself. The satisfaction of making something from your own brain and sharing it with those you care about is one of the loveliest feelings in the world and can help you get out of the mental fog. Find something that you enjoy and share it. It could even be Hey look I finished this 2000-piece puzzle! You worked hard on it and it is something that made you happy. I wanna see you be happy and proud of something you did! Don't hold back and be your own enemy. Don't push it off to next week or the week after. You will never get it done.

Be Happy! Find Joy in the silliest of things. Who cares what others think? As long as you are not hurting anyone/anything and you are not breaking any laws. Have Fun! Find a reason to smile, and share it!